Men are complicated....

4/23/2013


I'm going to start this post off by stating an unusual fact: Women are complicated, men are even more complicated.

Oddly enough, this has been proven true. At least for me and from my perspective.

I'm going to tell you an interesting story. It happened today. Me and my boyfriend got into a fight. A big one that took over from last night? Why? Over stupid, unimportant, idiotic things. The reason for the fight is not the issue, because the issue itself does not start the fight. It's the couple's behavior and reaction to the issue.

So this is what happened. I stated something to my boyfriend, (I will be the first to admit that maybe I said it in the wrong way), and he reacted negatively to it. Of course, my reaction was then fueled by his reaction, and we became two negative magnets opposing each other. The fight continued into this morning, and while I take responsibility for not letting it go and leaving my boyfriend alone when he asked me to, at the same time his behavior and aggression was not necessary or warranted, and thus the fight continued.

My boyfriend was called into work today on his day off. His words to me were to leave him alone from here on out, that time spent between the two of us would be rare, and he wasn't going to communicate any further with me, (always keep this in mind, his behavior could very easily come from a combination of frustration from the night before, lack of sleep, hunger, and annoyance with his company for calling him in on his day off and not being straightforward about his from-here-on schedule). The last words he spoke to me were these two statements: "I don't care about this relationship anymore," and "As far as I'm concerned, I'm single."

Before usually these kinds of fights would leave me emotionally drained and crying for hours over him and wanting to fix the issue right away. I came home after dropping him off, (keep in mind, it was around 11:49 AM when I finally sat down at the computer after this fight), and probably went through ten different blog drafts and ideas and so forth about this issue. I wanted to do five main things afterwords: vent out my anger about the fight, target and harass my boyfriend online and make him seem like the enemy, write about the depressed and emotional turmoil thoughts running through my mind, start talking to different guys online to boost up my ego and show my boyfriend that I can always do better than him, and go through my "Text the Romance Back," "Text Your Ex Back," and "Manology" PDF's and start theorizing and dissecting my boyfriend's behavior, (yes, one of those was more for the just-in-case probability).

I had even gotten to the point of taking a lot of my stuff out of the room he and I share and moving it into the extra room. I would figure I would spend a few days in there, give him space, and continually live out of that extra room, providing the illusion that he and I were apart. My brother, Nathan, even helped out with that, and he helped me move some things into it, assuring me that it was a good idea.

Then something funny happened. It was around 2:30 PM that my boyfriend called me from work. He sounded calm, but upset over the environment he was working in. He told me that a restaurant nearby was hiring and that I should check it out. He asked me to come by and join him on his lunch break. I told him that I would.

During lunch, (it was more like dinner, since it was around 5 PM when we ate), my boyfriend was extremely exhausted and frustrated with his work that he didn't seem to want to talk about the fight anymore. However, when I asked him where he and I stood about our relationship, he still stood firmly about us not spending time together anymore and me leaving him alone. He told me, (as he always does when we have a fight), that it's up to me if we were together or not. I didn't feel satisfied by this answer, so I didn't tell him where we stood. He was very tired and was nearly falling asleep in front of me, so I didn't bother much with it.

After we ate, he clocked back on and I went to hang out in the Target parking lot across the street, resting in my car and playing Magic Towers Solitaire on my iPod Touch. Around 6:10 PM, (fifty minutes before clocking out), my boyfriend called me to see where I was and asking what I was doing. When I told him, he asked, (in a non-hostile manner), what I was doing over there and insisted on me going back over to his work and hanging out in the car there. So I did.

Surprisingly enough, my boyfriend's attitude had seemingly changed. He walked past the car and was laughing, and even though there was still stress with his company, (he had to call in to clock out, and no one was answering), he got into the car. Exhausted still, he started venting about his company and stated that since I was there when he called, he had his girlfriend as a witness. He paused the first time when he called me his girlfriend, (yes, I noticed), but the several times after he said it without any hesitation. Then by the time we got home, he was laughing and joking around. Even loving and affectionate, asking for a hug when he was in the room.

I don't know what's going through his head. If he was a girl, he would be looked as almost bipolar or hormonal. But he's not. And what bothers me is the issue that started the fight still hadn't been addressed and there was no solution to it. I didn't feel any satisfaction from it, nor do I feel any from this relationship.

If I could describe it well, I feel emotionally detached from this relationship at this moment, (not saying indefinitely, but definitely at this moment). I want to leave him alone, but it's like I want to be left alone, more than anything. Almost an apathetic feeling, that I don't care or don't want to care. Obviously I do care, (I wouldn't be in the relationship right now if I didn't), but the fighting and everything has left me emotionally traumatized to the point that, while I might move the blankets and pillows back into the room, I'm not ready to move everything back. Like this thought in my head telling me "it will happen again, just watch."

Acknowledging a sad fact that I think my boyfriend is slowly starting to realize: I am NOT afraid to lose him. I'm not. I told my brother this today. I am an amazing girl, (Nathan was surprised to hear this come out of my mouth), and while yes, I am a big girl, I carry my curves very well and I am incredibly sexy and beautiful. My personality alone is enough to leave guys drooling, (I'm intelligent, hard-working, considerate and kind, and go above and beyond for everything and anyone). And for the longest time I never really saw that. I knew I had a good personality, but I could never get it through my head exactly what my boyfriend saw and loved about me.

Then I bought Michael Fiore's "Text the Romance Back" and "Text Your Ex Back" programs, accompanied with some Carrie Engel and Nick Bastion works, and purchased Tyrese Gibson and Rev Run's, (yes, of RUN DMC), "Manology." And these are what opened my eyes entirely. I started to see how wonderful a person I was, and after a few weeks of utilizing these tools, I started to see more than just that. The same person that my boyfriend loved was the same woman that different guys were chasing after and disappointed that was taken. I started building confidence in myself that started to draw guys to me. Sending out just one flirtatious, but harmful text to several of my male friends suddenly had them texting me every day, wanting to ask me questions, and constantly asking how things were with my boyfriend. While I built confidence in myself and making myself a better, stronger woman, it seems to have sparked some insecurity in my boyfriend.

Maybe for the longest time I feared about losing him, and now that I'm not afraid of losing him, (because I've come to the reality that all relationships will end sooner or later), is it now that he's afraid of losing me?